The Battle of Two Minds

I’m not bi-polar nor fortunately do not have any major mental issues other than the rare panic attack and a bout of ADHD I just can’t shake.

However, I sometimes feel bi-polar. It’s not the manic, “oh my God, I’ve got to clean everything” days to “I don’t feel like getting up days” days; it’s the constant thinking I do. It’s the meta-thinking where I’m constantly questioning my own decisions.

This overthinking manifests itself in a number of ways. On one hand, it’s a good thing. I rarely make stupid decisions although buying that extra Xbox One recently just play on another TV wasn’t the smartest, but still…

On the other hand though, this over-thinking really holds me back on a lot of things. I don’t jump when I should jump but would rather carefully consider all options first. It always makes me give up too quickly on things. If something doesn’t immediately offer some sense of fulfillment, it gets tossed to the wayside. You never know, that diamond could be just a few inches deeper if I keep digging.

This overthinking is hugely problematic when a panic attack decides to rear it’s ugly head. The best way to calm a panic attack is to not think about it! Imagine that. Xanax helps wonders during those times but I usually refuse to take them because when I reach for one that makes me realize, “Yea, you’re having a panic attack. You really need one of these now.” which makes me freak out even more! It’s like the solution to the problem just exhaserbates the problem! Crazy, huh?

I can’t complain. I’m pretty successful, have a loving family and am happy overall. I just get so pissed at myself when I feel like I have no direction. I can’t make a solid decision one way or another.

Millions of people are on the fence lots of times in their lives but they always get off. Me? I feel like I live on the fence!

• This new project will make some real money but will it?
• You should diet and exercise but that doesn’t sound fun.
• You should just quit your job outright because you know you’d be happier but, but…

My life is fraught with lots of “shoulds” followed by “nah, you don’t wanna do that!”. I have a perpetual angel and devil on my shoulders that are duking it out on a daily basis which ultimately ends up with the project just drifting off into the ether. My projects are never offically done or cancelled. They just start walking and never come back.

I hope one day I can hire a mediator in my mind to make that final decision. Until then, I’ll just try to keep the train on the rails as much as possible!